I just finished a course on Confucian philosophy, especially his teachings on ritual, and to be honest, I’m a little shaken up.
You see, I’ve been fed the same idea many of us have: love yourself as you are, embrace your flaws, be authentic. Self-acceptance is supposed to be the key to happiness. But Confucius? He basically says the opposite.
Let me be clear! It’s not that Confucius is against knowing who you are. In fact, awareness of your nature is where the journey begins. But he would roll his eyes at the idea that self-acceptance alone leads to happiness. If anything, he’d say that loving yourself as you are, especially if you’re kind of a jerk, is just a recipe for staying a jerk.
Here’s the harsh truth that hit me:
If you’re a moron – and I say that lovingly – and you accept yourself as a moron, flaunt your moronic behavior, maybe even build a personality around it, you’re not on the path to happiness. You might gain attention. You might get rich. You might even lead others down the same road. But happiness? Real fulfillment? That’s not coming.
Confucius makes it clear: happiness is not about loving your flaws. It’s about transforming them.
Fulfillment doesn’t come from self-acceptance.
It comes from becoming someone worthy of respect, especially your own.
Let’s play this out.
Imagine one day you wake up and say, “You know what? I don’t like who I am. I bully people. I’m rude. I push people away. Nobody really respects me, and honestly, I don’t either.”
That moment, painful as it is, is where change begins. Not because you accept who you are, but because you refuse to keep being it. Maybe that day, you choose to be just a little less of a jerk. Not perfect. Not enlightened. Just… 10% better. A little more polite. A bit more patient. And then you do it again the next day.
Over time, that small effort becomes a habit. That habit becomes a ritual – something consistent, meaningful, morally right. Eventually, that ritual becomes character. And that character? It brings a quiet kind of joy. The joy of being someone who tries, who grows, who earns their own respect.
Let’s take something most of us can relate to … the struggle with fitness. We know we’re lazy. That might feel like our “authentic self.” And yet, we also know we should be moving our bodies. Then one day, we manage to get up and do just 10 minutes of light exercise. It’s not much, but it’s a start. And that simple act, showing up despite our laziness, is exactly the kind of thing Confucius would probably admire.
And I get it…this flies in the face of everything Instagram wellness culture tells us. “Be your authentic self!”
But what if our authentic self is deeply flawed? What if our authenticity is anger, or arrogance, or apathy?
Authenticity, when unexamined, can become an excuse.
Confucius would say: “Don’t hide behind it. Face it. Shape it. Refine it through deliberate, repeated, meaningful practice. That’s what ritual is for.“
So here’s my new working definition of happiness:
Happiness is not self-acceptance. Happiness is a moral achievement.
It’s the reward for becoming someone you — and others — have reason to admire.
And maybe, just maybe, it starts with the courage to say: “I don’t like who I am, but I’m going to become someone I can.”
